How to be an Kindle, Nook, Kindlette, Nookette, etc Millionaire

Writing a nice story these days just doesn't cut it in the world of indie freedom and universal publication. Many authors, including me, dream of that big break and the yacht, etc, but then we go back to writing our stories, well written stories, we hope, with great plots and characters, well edited, nice covers...

So why aren't we kindle millionaires?

Because these days you don't just have to write a story, you have to write THE STORY (of the moment). Or failing that, you have to be THE AUTHOR (of the moment). And being that is getting harder now the milestones are toppling. We can't be the first indie author to sell a million books on kindle, or the first indie kindle millionaire. You've got to be quick. All those milestones are falling by the day.  Soon we'll be reduced to being the first Kindle author to scale the Empire State Building dressed in a King Kong suit hugging a kindle to our chests roaring, MINE!

So, my guide to being a stand-out indie author? Get out of the middle of that B road road and jump into the gutter. Or, go the whole hog and run screaming down the middle of the freeway. And by the time you get to that someone else will have already done it, so you'll have to go naked, or dressed as some obscure Russian president.

Write a donkey menage book or something similar (because all the other plots have already been done, pretty sure they already did horses and now I come to think of it, didn't Konrath recently do donkey menage?). And even that's sounding oh so pedestrian by today's standards. That better have nuns in it or I'm not even picking it up. But you get my drift? Controversy sells, even implied controversy. Stick a teen on an island with a cougarette and people will read just because, you know, the author might go there. You will never regret including that orgy down at the OAP bingo session in K Mart, believe me.

Why even bother wasting brain cells on thinking up your own controversial subject. This is where fast writers come into their own. Simply emulate the latest block buster and practice that innocent look when people cry, rip off! Who me?

Create something entirely new. This is the hardest of them all but oh my the golden eggs this goose will lay.

Be the first author to... and yes, I am sitting here typing in my King Kong suit.

Or be the first -insert famous title, job description, sport etc - to write a novel. Politician, jockey, they've all been done. I don't know, be the first gravedigger to write a romance. Be creative. And yes, it's okay to lie through your teeth about this. Internet, who's to know?

Write a character so off the wall, so sexy, so interesting that people want to be them, bonk them, kidnap them for their own nefarious purposes, etc. In romance Jamie Fraser, Alexander Belov and Jericho Barrons (grr, woof) come to mind. To stand out, that's the bar, I'm afraid. And it's a high one.

For the really desperate there's always La La land. That wonderful place where you're already successful, the money is rolling in so fast you need asistants to catch it for you with big nets and you lie on a couch with your little dog dictating stories to a secretary.

And of course there's the trillion dollar question on every author's lips. Would you compromise all those lofty writer principles for a piece of Fifty Shades success? Puts up hand sheepishly with dear husband poking me in the back with a big stick. And if any author insists they prefer their garret to the million dollar pay off, I'm going to stick my neck out here and say they may be telling a small porkie.

Writing as C. A Nicks (I'm killing off Candy Nicks the former incarnation in the next few weeks and rebranding to C.A Nicks) and Alexandra Marell. and King Kong.